Monday, January 31, 2011

21 Days

My fast is now complete, but my fasting lifestyle is not.  If the last 21 days have taught nothing else, I have realized the need for less distraction.  We are constantly bombarded with media at every corner, we have endless possibilities to keep us entertained, and heaven forbid if we ever get "bored". 

Fasting brings an opportunity to keep distraction at bay and keep an open door to God.  There is still so much more I need to learn about fasting, but I do know I've been challenged and I've grown in the last few weeks.  Proof that there is truth to be found here.

Before I began this journey I kept a safe place in my life for my facebook account.  I checked it several times a day and I called it my "brain break."  Cute, and justified, but just as much of a problem as any other distraction.  I was aware of the time it took away from God, my children, and normal thought so I began to pull away even before these last 21 days.   I missed it far less then I would have thought.  It was somewhat of an inconvenience(harder to communicate via a larger group), but so was the outhouse, and they all lived fairly well before plumbing. 

The first week I found myself wanting to share what God was showing me, I wanted everyone to enjoy what He was saying to me.  God lovingly reminded me, that this was my time in the desert (Hosea 2:14-23
14 “But then I will win her back once again.I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there.), He was quietly whispering into my ear and I should enjoy this time of closeness without distraction.  I wish to always live in that place, a place where I can hear his voice so clearly, where its just He and I.  But, that is not the life he has called for me.  I can not just learn and not share.  So for a moment, I was away, in the desert with my father, but now He has called me out to again minister, and to share the words from His heart.

I'm excited about the adventure in sharing; but as the end of the fast approached I was hesitant to be so vulnerable again, sharing my heart, my thoughts and my emotions.  After being alone in God's safety for three weeks, I kind of wanted to stay there. We all want to be noticed, but as soon as someone notices, I want to shy away and hide, "what if they don't like what they see?"  Thankfully, that's not my problem.  I just have to be sure I'm hearing and sharing exactly what God says and I'm not liable for anything else but loving.

So there you have it.  I continued blogging, so if you want a more accurate picture of what I've been learning over the last few weeks, its all in there.

Monday, January 24, 2011

New Jeans from Jesus

I"ve been referencing a quote from Staci Eldredge in "Captivating" a lot this week, the difference between "redeemed Eve" and "Fallen Eve".  Fallen Eve, takes the hurts of people and makes vows, promises to herself to never be in that situation again.  She ends up alone and empty.  A sitting target for the devil really.  On the other hand redeemed Eve realizes that people will likely hurt her, and won't live up to the desires of her human heart.  But, she takes it all in stride, and decides the gains of companionship far out weighs the total loss of heart and the loneliness of solitary.

She goes on to say that Redeemed Eve knows who she is and whose she is.  I've said that quite a few times over the last six months.  I knew who I was, and I certainly knew I belonged to Jesus.  This last week I realized that I don't know who I am anymore.  My identity is shifting from one facet to another.  I'm in new clothes, in a new place and I feel naked and vulnerable.  I don't like it.

Identity isn't finite.  Its not something that will always be the same.  We are constantly evolving.  God moves us to different assignments, and is constantly reworking us so we can become more like Jesus.  The rewards and the end result is always amazing, but the journey its not always easy. 

God reminded me yesterday, where ever he takes me, I'm not alone, and I'm not going first.  He has made me a new robe of righteousness, a new garment of praise.  My clothes are being altered, my old clothes shed.  They don't fit anymore.  My comforts have been lifted and this makes me doubt myself, but rely that much more on Him.  As I rely on Him and let Him do this new work in me, He will continue to alter this new garment until it fits, and I will know who I am again, a new creation in Christ.

 I don't want to put on my old clothes, they won't fit.  I don't want to go back.  I don't want the hand me downs, I want new designer denim!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Relational Idenity

The subject of identity has been mulling in my mind for a long while now.  It was subtle at first, more of a discovery of the negative titles I've picked up over my life, and how do I now process those experiences and lies as an adult with full brain processing capabilities.  I'm beginning to peek beyond those shadows and seeing the sun.  But since I'm beginning to overcome the old titles I'm now trying to figure out who I really am.

Identity is bestowed, its not really something we get to choose.  Its placed on us by the world that revolves around us.  We characterize ourselves based on our utility, or in relation to others.  I've been a mom now for over 7 years, and I'd say, that is a highly utilitarian and relational role.  If I wasn't a mom, what then would I be?  I've been wife for over 11 years, there is utility and obviously relation in that role as well.  If I wasn't a wife, then what would be left?  When I strip my obvious identities, and they aren't even negative, what do I have left?  My life isn't found in these titles, yet I live as if it is. 

If identity is formed in relation to others, I want my identity formed in relation to God.  God says I'm the Bride of Christ.  I want that identity!  I desire to be known deeper than "mom" or "wife" or "sister" or "daughter" or "cook, cleaner, lawn mower".  Because at the end of my life, all of that will be gone, those identities will fade, and can leave me, and I would be lost as to who I am.  The only thing I'll have to cling to is who I am to Jesus.  That is where my true identity will be found, where I will gain confidence in Christ.  I've said before" I know who I am and whose I am."  But I'm realizing, I know less than I thought of who I really am.  I know who I belong to, but I need to know who I am to Him.  When I do, I will know my true identity, as the Bride of Christ.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I'm Worth It

I just passed up an opportunity to take Jack to a birthday party and have 2 hours to do whatever I wanted to do without any kids!  What was I thinking.  At first, I thought it would be a gracious move on my part, let my husband out of the house to peruse the stores he wants.  Now I'm left home, again, like I am everyday, and feeling sorry for myself.

Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I feel the need to torture myself?  Why do I feel I don't deserve it?  There has to be something desirable within me, but I have a hard time seeing it.  For my entire life I've had it drilled into my head that I'm "unworthy, unlovable, less than, and a sinner/"  While this is true in a certain context, God loves us when we don't deserve it, we are the Harlot, and He is Hosea.  It is also dangerous, and very easy to move these titles into other areas where they do not apply. 

The image we hold of our Christian selves is supposed to be humble.  The definition of humble can be varying.  Any where from meekness and lack of pride, to having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience.  For a lot of us, we end up taking all of these forms of humility.  The good with the bad, and this leaves us heart broken and depressed.

Now, why would the God of the universe take so much effort in pursuing me if I was worth nothing?  Its like taking the fairy tail of Cinderella and letting prince Charming take the wicked step sister, the mean, ugly one that has no manners;  all because he is good and he feels sorry for her.  God doesn't pursue us because He feels sorry for us.  He pursues us because He sees the value and the true worth of us.  He pursues us because we are worth everything, we are worth so much He sacrificed His own son. 

Its time for me to start seeing myself the way God has seen me all along.  I'm his daughter, He has renamed me.  I just need to start using the same name He has given me.  I'm worth it.  Not in an "its all about me", but in true humility.  The lack of pride humility,  the one that will allow me enjoy a gift from God without feeling guilty, the one that will be able take the time for myself, and enjoy all the beauty God created for me.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Its Not Me

I was praying today that I would be a bug catcher.  I know, I pray weird things.  But I want to attract the moths to the flame.  I'm just the bug catcher.  The bugs may come to me; but, they aren't attracted by the metal cage, they are attracted to the mesmerizing light inside.  The moths, and various other creatures, get caught up in the presence of such light.  I'm only the dingy metal cage, but the brightness that is inside can't be missed.

I want today to be the day He catches your eye.  Its not me, its Him.  Its God calling you.   I don't want anyone to overlook Him,  again.  I don't want you to say "its just a bug catcher", I want Him to mesmerize you by the flame inside. 

I want Him to take us into the wilderness, away from all distraction.  I want to be alone with Him so I can hear Him.  So He can speak to us.  I want us to focus on Him, just like those bugs will do anything they can to get to that center light.  Our desire should be the same.  Our focus should be so intent. 

Catch me God, take me away.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Hosea and His Harlot

I recently read in a book that the old testament was "The long story of God's pursuit of humanity."  I've heard of all the stories in the Old Testament, they are really great, some are really boring.  Have you ever tried reading the lineage section?  Dry, but I'm sure sometime I'll fall in love with that too.  But, when I look at the stories, the prophesies, and the promises in this new way, it comes to life!  Its not just historical record, its a romance novel. 

I've recently discovered Hosea.  I'm really falling in love with the old prophets, Isaiah, and Jeremiah are awesome too.  But Hosea was asked to do a really weird thing.  Marry a prostitute.  I think I might have had few a questions for God.  One of which, being unequally yoked.  But it is exactly what He has done with us.  He is pursuing a group of harlots, who have sold themselves for far less then their worth.  We often try to find our beauty and worth in things other then Christ.  Just like a prostitute tries to find love in sex, its empty, and not even remotely the same thing. 

Read what God is going to do for us, even after we have sold ourselves out.  He doesn't give up.  Like Isaiah 62:1 says:
1For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
         And for Jerusalem's sake I will not keep quiet,
         Until her righteousness goes forth like brightness,
         And her salvation like a torch that is burning
.

He won't stop seeking you out.  He is the great romancer, who continues to pursue until you have seen and heard him, and answered the call.  How do you get more romantic than that?  Have you ever been pursued like that by any man?

Hosea 2:14-23
14 “But then I will win her back once again.
      I will lead her into the desert
      and speak tenderly to her there.

 Allure: to entice by charm or attraction.

God is luring us with His charm, with His beauty.  He usually only has a second to do this.  We are so busy with our lives we barley give him a glance.  He has to be uniquely personal towards each of us.  He knows EXACTLY what you will respond to.  He pulls you out from your busyness and brings you into a place where you are alone with Him.  Where there are no distractions and he can speak to you softly, with the loving words He has been waiting to say to you.


15 I will return her vineyards to her
      and transform the
Valley of Trouble[a]
into a gateway of hope.
   She will give herself to me there,
      as she did long ago when she was young,
      when I freed her from her captivity in
Egypt.

 He will take your trouble and remove your wounds and make you like when you were young and free.  You will then give your love freely to Him again, with and renew your whole heart, and return you to who He created you to be.


 16 When that day comes,” says the Lord,
      “you will call me ‘my husband’
      instead of ‘my master.’[b]

We will then see Him as who He truly is, as your Husband, and not our master


17 O Israel, I will wipe the many names of Baal from your lips,
      and you will never mention them again.

He will cleans us, and remove all filth that is still in us, we will be a pure virgin bride


 18 On that day I will make a covenant
      with all the wild animals and the birds of the sky
   and the animals that scurry along the ground
      so they will not harm you.
   I will remove all weapons of war from the land,
      all swords and bows,
   so you can live unafraid
      in peace and safety.

He will remove all worries, we will be safe and protected and have no need to war or fight against anything, we will be completely free to love and pour praise on Him


19 I will make you my wife forever,
      showing you righteousness and justice,
      unfailing love and compassion

Betroth: to promise to marry, to give in marriage
He will then marry us; we will enter into a marriage covenant with Him, but not an arranged marriage, not by one of force, but of loving kindness, of compassion, of righteousness and justice.


 20 I will be faithful to you and make you mine,
      and you will finally know me as the Lord.

 He brings a covenant of faithfulness, He never lets us down, and we will then know Him.  He has unveiled us, like the bride on her wedding day (2 cor -18).  We can then see Him without hindrance, His face, bright, shining, and FULL of glory.


 21 “In that day, I will answer,”
      says the Lord.
   “I will answer the sky as it pleads for clouds.
      And the sky will answer the earth with rain.
 22 Then the earth will answer the thirsty cries
      of the grain, the grapevines, and the olive trees.
   And they in turn will answer,
      ‘Jezreel’—‘God plants!’


It only gets better.  When we are in that covenant with Him, He will then respond to our pleas for rain, for revival, our thirst will be quenched, and our hearts will bear fruit from the vine.

23 At that time I will plant a crop of Israelites
      and raise them for myself.
   I will show love
      to those I called ‘Not loved.’[c]
   And to those I called ‘Not my people,’[d]
      I will say, ‘Now you are my people.’
   And they will reply, ‘You are our God!’”


He will send us out for His glory, He will rise up a people for Himself.  We will go into the earth and speak of Him.  He will use His generous love and bring us all into His covenant, and all will recognize Him as The Only God.


This is not only for Jews, Isrealites, or the Old Testament people.  This is for YOU!  He is still calling us.  He still wants our hearts, and not just peices.  He wants it all, He wants to give you all He has promised.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Its a Relationship, not Algebra....Thank God for that!

2 Corinthians 3:16-18 
Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.

Our God is not one of equation but one of relationship.  Here, punch in these numbers, do this list of things, and I’ll do this for you.  This would be so much easier for us to predict, and control.  He is a living God, not an algebra eqatision for us to ponder and figure out.  But that is exactly the point.  God is not something for us to control, we can not dictate our own salvation.  Our plans for self redemption and for safety only take us further from our Father.  So our wild God takes our plans and messes them up, shakes us, even pains us, all in efforts to send us searching for true salvation and relationship.

“What aspects of your story do you fear will be taken away next by this wild God?  What does this say about where you think your life is found?”
 –John Elderidge A Sacred Romance Workbook

He wants nothing but your heart.  Half a heart will never be enough for him.  He won’t relent until he has it all.  (What a great song from Misty Edwards)  And in all honesty, half a heart will never be enough for you.  It will always leave you searching for something else, or trying to kill the desire for more.  For the love, romance, and relationship you were created for.   

The reality that my life is not mine to control usually leaves me with a paper bag in my hands frantically trying to catch my breath; What!  No control!  I have to let go and let God?  I already feel like I’m in a downward spiral, how can you expect me to let someone else plan out my life? 

Or, this can be absolutely freeing!  Yes!  I don’t have to have it all together; I don’t have to plan all of this.  I’m part of a bigger story, one that I’m not responsible for.  This whole world, universe, was moving just fine before I got here.  God wrote me in for a grand plan, that I am only to follow; I guess it’s my destiny.

When we know our God’s true heart towards you, that His heart is indeed good, then you CAN let go.  It is absolute freedom to realize that HE is not only the author, but the main event in the story.  We were written around Him, and the story is all in efforts for us to find the true life and relationship we were created for. 

As you remove your veil of control, God can then work freely in your life, removing the legalism and religious spirits that may have once been at work.  All that is left if for you to gaze intently upon His face.  And when His face is shining upon you, there is nothing that will keep you from transforming into your Father, becoming brighter, and brighter and shining His glory to the darkness.